I have had a fairly good attitude about getting older, but now I have no edge over my friends who hit 40 in the last few years. I turn 40 next week, March 19 and I can’t believe how crummy I feel this right now.

I originally wanted to host a big party to celebrate, but time slipped by and here we are and I have no plans. My mother invited me out of town with her this weekend on a work related trip, but the rain is making me rethink the four hour drive.

SO here are the range of things I feel right now and I have no one definitive thing to attribute to. I am a relatively happy person with a relatively nice life, HOWEVER…

I am disappointed, let down, deflated, insecure, exhausted, overwhelmed, befuddled, weepy, sad, tired, underwhelmed, depressed, anti-social, and all together worn out.

I really can’t explain the tears streaming down my face. I would feel stupid to say that it has anything to do with a birthday. I really don’t care, but in fact I really do care. I don’t want to be 40; I was a hot shot in my 30s, a very young executive and all around superstar. I chose not to keep climbing that painful, life consuming ladder and now I have a job that gets me by, but gives me time with my family, which is what I want right now.

I am really pissed off that I won’t still be in my 30s. I hate it actually, but I have hated being close to 40 too. Gosh, I haven’t really admitted this before but I realize that I am resentful of this birthday. Seems like a line is drawn in the sand and I am being pushed across it.

What does this line mean anyway?

I am very appreciative I know what I know and that I have grown into the lovely person I am now. I know that my time on earth has brought me wisdom and a real sense of place, but I liked (maybe even gloated over) having reached that place two to three years before 40.

I sort of have this, “what’s next feeling.” Like once I cross that line, what do I do with myself? My 40 plus friends all say you’re gonna love your 40s, but I think they are full of shit. Not because their 40s aren’t wonderful, but I suspect that they aren’t going to be any different then my 30s.

A psychic once told me I was going to have a very rough time in my 30s, but once in my 40s, I’d have a huge weight lifted and be free of the burdens of my 30-something youth. My 30s have been filled with a LOT, and a lot of it was rough, so perhaps I should adopt a totally optimistic stance and glow with rays of sunshine.

But today, and maybe the last two days, I can’t do that. Maybe it’s the clouds, cold and rain, maybe it was the full moon two nights ago, maybe it’s the daylight savings time change, but maybe it is this looming birthday.

I appreciate the space to vent this. I bet I feel better tomorrow, but appreciate the chance to unload today. The tears are gone, anyway.