You know, this whole idea of turning 40 years old is really getting to me. In 19 days I will have lived four decades, nearly half a century, that’s halfway to 100 years! To some people it’s “just a number.” To me, though, it’s a major step in my life that I really don’t want to take.

When I was a child, I thought 30 seemed old. That age came and went without any issues at all. Turning 40, though, seems like jumping into a bottomless abyss or something. Once I take that step off the edge, I”ll have no control over what happens to me and no way to stop the fall.

At 40, my life is more than half over, statistically speaking. This first half of my life flew by! Will I be 80 just as quickly?

My parents are both gone. My mom had a stroke at 71 and my dad died from cancer. My mother didn’t suffer much but my dad lingered on a little while. They lived long lives and made an impact on those around them, but in just a few generations, no one will even remember they existed. I don’t want to be lost to history.

My mother-in-law is still living. She’s 83, or somewhere around there. She doesn’t own a computer, just got touch tone phone service a few years ago and still drives around on Saturday mornings to pay her bills. I’m afraid of falling behind the times as she has done and being lost in society.

If she gets a letter from her bank, she always calls my wife and asks her to come explain the letter. I’m afraid of not being able to understand the tasks of daily life or make decisions on my own, as seems to be happening to her. Oh, she’s all there mentally, she just doesn’t understand the “modern” way of doing business.

I don’t like the idea of turning 40 at all. I see older folks around me having a hard time keeping up with the times. I see them suffering through financial hardship with no chance of ever getting out of it. All they’ve worked for seems to have gone up in smoke. What’s the point of it all?

My children are 15 and 17. I’m kind of looking forward to them being out on their own because my wife and I had children early and didn’t really get the chance to enjoy being a married couple. At the same time, though, I’m afraid of not being needed anymore.

Can you tell this is really, really bothering me?

Written by Barryo