I’ve never been one that was affected by birthdays or getting a year older, or anything like that! After all, I’ve felt “18″ ever since I was, well….”18″!

I have, however, been anticipating the landmark of turning “40″! I achieved this on Friday, and much to my chagrin, it has affected me GREATLY! I’m utterly shocked and a bit embarrassed, AND I feel like an emotional basket case….hmmmm, is this early “mid life”???

I’ve always been a nostalgic dude, and I long to live in a “childlike” sense of wonder, imagination, faith, and awe! But, I’ve realized something over the past 6 months–the runway to turning 40, if you will–for much of my “adult” life, i’ve been more jaded and insecure than I was aware of. I’ve sort of been on the proverbial couch for these past 6 months! It’s been the most revealing, yet painful period of my life that I can remember.

So now, as I cross the threshold “into manhood”, I realize that alot has to change! Things that I’ve grown good at justifying have to be laid down, perspectives and definition have to be re-positioned and re-defined, and relationships that I thought were genuine but turned out to be pretty one-sided have to be walked away from! These are good things, I believe! It seems that the first 39 years of life for me have been a rehearsal!

Now, it’s time to live the life I’ve been practicing for, albeit awkwardly and by trial and error! Those few people who really know me (and that’s a VERY FEW), know that I love laughter, peace, Christmas, family, and solid relationships! What I’ve seen recently though, is that I’ve been taken to a dark place in certain areas of my life. Places that I never thought God wanted me to be. Maybe, just maybe though, God has used this time to reveal things buried inside that I’ve failed to face and deal with. This “mid course correction” could have been God’s way of putting me back in the position I was created for–purity, peace, purpose, wonder, and inimitable joy! These past 6 months have been pure hell as God has opened up the dark caverns of my heart to me! I’m at peace with the fact that He knows my heart. I sure as hell didn’t! Not sure whose life I’ve been living, but I don’t think it’s the one that I knew, as a child, I would live! Where did I go wrong. Am I at a point of corrected focus? Will I NOW start seeing what He planned for me all along? Has this hell actually been healing? Am I back to a child? Will these questions be answered? Stay tuned, and thanks for listening…

via Ready, Reset, Go: Turning 40!.