I’m turning 40 on Wednesday. I don’t want to turn 40. I’ve been depressed about it since I turned 38. I keep waiting for some grand stroke of wisdom and peace to overcome me, but all I feel is irritable and bewildered. Mostly irritable.

I poll everyone about aging. Children, Safeway clerks, ancient relatives, psychoanalysts, New Age friends, garbage men, the whole gamut of humanity. Children say, “40 is old. Duh, stupid-head.” Everyone else says some variation of, “40 is young! Age is just a number! Besides, it’s better than the alternative! Wait till you turn 50! It’s all about attitude!”

Only the psychoanalyst spoke the truth: “40 is the beginning of an endless slide into decay, culminating, mercifully, with death.”

That seems about right to me.

I wasn’t happy about turning 30, either. I felt like the era of blissful irresponsibility was folding. The world forgives you for walking off a job at 25, but at 35 it’s sort of unbecoming. Actually, you can do anything at 25 — bounce checks, move every two months, stay out until 4 a.m., eat nothing but popcorn and never exercise. I mourned the end of that life, deeply.

I’ve had a few months to mull this over by now, having started my 5th decade at Thanksgiving. I was worried that turning 40 would make me feel old. Frankly, there are days that it does. Partly I look at where my father was at 40: he had been teaching for 20 years and I was almost finished high school. I have been teaching 5 fewer years than he had at this point, and I have a 2 year old.

Most of the time I can get past that though, and focus on myself and not my dad. Long ago I noticed that men in their 40s do as well in races as (and in many cases better than) men in their 30s or late 20s. That always surprised me until I was in my 30s and had 2 (and then 3) kids. I was never able to get enough sleep and time for training was at a premium, particularly once the kids outnumbered the parents.

But now things are moving in the right direction. Our older daughter is almost 9 and is a big help with the other 2, freeing us up more of the time. My wife is pretty good about trying to free me up once or twice during the week for runs and I try to get out early both Saturday and Sunday mornings. The Lindsay pool has lanes open for adults from 9 to 10 on Monday and Thursday, so I try to get in after the kids go to bed.

Just turned 40. I am in the best shape of my life, have a terrific supportive husband and some awesome friends.

Life is good.

I get a lot of flack from my siblings each year. I am the youngest. I’ve taken to reminding them that they’ll always be older than me and then ask them if they want to race.

I’m always somewhat melancholy around my birthday. It’s lingered on this year.

It is just a number. Getting older beats the alternative.

Most of us, at one point or another, take a moment to evaluate our lives and the paths that we have chosen to take. We each do it at different times and with different emphasis. Sometimes people do it around high school or college graduation time, when deciding what career to pursue, how we want to be regarded by society, friends, and family or how to transition ourselves from a student to a grown up.

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