Turning 40 - It’s All About the Journey

Thanks for visiting Turning 40! If you're new here, please take a moment to share your experience of Turning 40 and subscribe to my RSS feed.

Are You Turning 40 and Looking for a Profound Life Change?

Have a great day!

13 Days of random

In thirteen days I will be an age I didn’t even see coming. An age I don’t feel on most days, but an age I feel older than on others.

I likely don’t act my age much and I’m not sure if that is good or bad or indifferent. What I wonder about is that I read that as women (and maybe men too I have no idea) age they gain more confidence. They care less about what others think. I seem to be the opposite.

When I was younger I was pretty confident. I knew the things I could do, the things I couldn’t and was always willing to try something new. Then I spend eight years in a relationship with someone who did everything they could to knock me down a peg and somehow I never fully stood back upright.

Oh, I came out of it all ready to show the world and I think I did a good job of bluffing my way through a lot of stuff. But underneath I question everything and I hate it. I never used to do that. Fourteen years out of that relationship means that I can’t blame it for the way I am now. I need to get over it and get on with it. And sometimes I do.

But sometimes… I just wonder where the light has gone. Where has my lightness gone? Yeah, sounds morose and self-pitying and I don’t mean it to. I just really want to know. I want to be a good person and care about others and help others, but I also want to feel the same in return. Instead of overthinking.

It’s like a mini movie reel going around and around in my head. Which is why I can’t sleep. Which is why I take on more than I should. If I am just busy enough doing stuff then I don’t have to think (well, hopefully you know what I mean).

Shocker of all shockers is that I’m not worried about turning 40. I could worry about something absolutely asinine for hours on end, but turning 40 doesn’t phase me. Turning 30 was one of the best years of my life and I can only hope that turning 40 brings me another of those. Maybe it will bring me my confidence back. Maybe it will bring me my “I don’t care this is my opinion and I’m entitled to it” back.

I back down when I don’t feel like getting in to it. Except with my dh. My poor, wonderful dh. I know, I’m lucky. I’m not saying I want to start picking fights with people, but maybe I could have an opinion and not be scared to voice it for fear that people won’t like me. I know a lot of really opinionated people and I like them - ok - I might not like all of them, but several of them are close friends (luv ya SC!)

Wow, I’m rambling. This really isn’t about having an opinion. I do have those and maybe I will voice more and maybe not. I think I might still rather not get into it on some things. It’s more about feeling good about who I am and what I do and knowing that my God knows me and knows my heart.

It’s about letting go and just being me. At least I think it is. So as the days inch ever closer to another decade gone, maybe my mind will find some peace and maybe my heart will follow. And then maybe I will be able to sleep at night and do the things I need and want to do, to the best of my abilities and maybe… that will be enough.